Travelling signature

I believe in time travel....
I hope after this, you will believe together with me.

There are days i stare, my eyes, these brown searching eyes knock on unopened doors,
peep through the empty key holes of existence just to see beyond what lies in front of me.
I've been to places my physical self either only dreams of or anticipates to be.
I've stared into my daughters eyes numerous times: yet she is still awaiting to be ushered into life by two spirit beings wrapped in flesh to celebrate God and welcome her home. Yes, spirit beings because we really are so much spirit, flesh is just an add on.
I've held her soft unscathed hands in my experienced palm, watched her tiny fingers and palm move on mine as i think,
your skin is part of mine.
I've walked on sandy shores alone: praying, speaking, laughing, crying, all without leaving the focus of my blank stare.
I've gone to the past,
remembering failed friendships and relationships, fights with my family as the present me just stands there and watches me, not angrily, but with a sombre gaze and a warm whisper 'it will all make sense.' to crack the icy world the past me had crafted.
I remember growing up with naivety and genius both intertwined in the crevices of my mind.
Memories of my first drinking spree with my friends rush in this one stare,
dark hallway, drink in hand, lady in sight but how i forfeited the lady i had eyes on for the one i could place my hand on.
I remember the fights, the blood flying slowly as if to the sound of slow opera, almost like art, and how my almost numbed heart had loved it.
I remember the friends lost from the snare of cold words,
words that i had allowed to shape me, to craft me,
words that sub-consciously were taking the place of my breath,
my lungs were filled with poisoned words received and just like air, they too found their way out.
I remember slipping out of class when young, sitting in the gents with a knife caressing my wrist as class went on,
and going back to class with a smile like nothing had happened.
See in a quick but short stare i remember the journey, i remember the past and hide in the future knitting together these two threads of reality with the thread of my present.
I remember repentance, unmerited forgiveness for me and in the depth of the mist that i had lived in
I could finally see light and how it all fits in:
seeing my daughter struggle to feel physically loved to quench emotional and spiritual thirst and i know right then why i craved the same.
I see my son come home angry with blood on his shirt and i know why i was the same.
On some days It hurt to be me yet in the prism of life Gods light sheds abroad and i see the bigger, beautiful picture.
I hear 'daddy why do i have to go through this?' and in joy i see that i can finally have an answer, not to all their questions but to those God allowed me to live in.

I learn to love my purpose-full tears as we are called to be the salt of the earth and no wonder, my tears have the largest components of salt. Who would have known they carried healing!

I see my wife, her in her splendor and glow, radiant and the envy of all precious jewels, i see her beyond the smile and beyond the frown, i see her, beyond, yet here.
I revel in our journey, separate and together even before we say i do,
similar yet different; birthed together in the womb of purpose and Agape.

I see the future, it is close, as close as two strangers smiling not knowing they will journey together,
close though it may feel never reaching.
I know why my scars exist but i know why my smile does as well.

God made it for you. We were made for testimony, bearing witness to intricately woven strands of grace piecing together our past, present and future.
With every prick of life's needle, i shall bear the pain, the hurt, the laughs so well hidden in the mines of life that i was so afraid to enter not knowing all that would encompass me were explosions of joy.

See, I believe in time travel.  As i sat here, staring at the thickets outside my window get battered by the rain, i couldn't help but notice something beautiful. Something that felt like poetry when i saw leaves cradle droplets of rain, gently; mother-like, releasing drop by drop to the earth in a slow but incandescent manner. Indeed, time stood still. I couldn't help but feel like the drop of rain commissioned to strike at the heart of the soil, leaving the signature of the cloud that sent me, one day to return to the very clouds having fulfilled all i was meant to, not just for me, but for where i was gently dropped.

I remember when it hit me like a gush of cold wind that for you, i shall bear the soil, the winds and the boots, if just to water you and i remember when i loved to know that.

As i sit here, I believe in time travel, the purpose of all things merging

merging together that i may be a signature of my Cloud.

SLOW FADES

A dark cloud has been brooding over us for ages. The thing about dark clouds that everybody knows: they are pregnant with rain. I hear the question when did the rain start to beat us and i ask, when did we begin to think we didn't need an umbrella? We were probably in a hurry and never really thought it would rain even though that dark menacing cloud was speaking to us. When our hearts were ok without umbrellas, is really when the rain begun to beat us. Let me explain.

The first time i came across porn was in primary school, can't quite remember what class though. We were huddled up in the house of a younger kid than me, one who was quite rich i should add and the excitement in the air was almost tangible. As i saw these naked people, in the midst of my carnal pleasures, there was a spark lingering in my dark heart that was asking, how did they get there? At the time my main concern was not that it was sex but that it was public and that was my problem number 1.

Every human being has an internal desire to feel loved. The form of love though can be varied and at most times, skewed. Our hearts for ages have embraced a desire to be gratified by any means necessary. Sexual perversion has been placed in the core of our minds and hearts and to see the recent happenings at the coast come to light is just an example of the slow fade that this has brought.

Let's not be fooled, bestiality has been going on for long before the Mombasa story ever hit the eye. Men have been known to satisfy sexual urges by preying on varying animals that i need not mention for the sake of mental sobriety. The things we watch, listen to have sold self gratification to unprecedented levels. We no longer have value for ourselves. Things such as masturbation have now become a norm as much as many would not like to admit. When a lady in porn was using a carrot or cucumber, people had no problem. When a man would use a fruit or a similar object, nobody objected. The undertones here are quite severe. If we treat our sexual organs as though all they are worth is to be gratified, made to feel good, then of course over time we'll want more and more, better and better and eventually move from inanimate tools to animate ones such as animals.

This heart of man is deceitful. When talking with some friends, i tried to pick their mind on what was so wrong with the incidence concerning the ladies at the coast and many just said it being a dog was the problem. As much as i understand the magnitude of that, it did not just start there. The deceit of the heart had been at work over years, killing value for the individual, reducing them from being a full human being to just respecting their vagina not for the sacredness of it but as a means to an end.. By the time you begin to envision penetrating an animal or an animal penetrating you, even before the act itself, you really have killed your self worth. 

How then can we redeem this because as i said, it starts as a slow fade. From 'innocent porn' to masturbation  to full out sex with anything as by that point all you want is that orgasm so as to feel fulfilled. I think we should come to terms with the fact that we have been selling ourselves short, that we have been equating our manhood to the have and use of a penis and diminishing womanhood to the have and use of a vagina. It takes honesty to rid ourselves of this and also a determination to set an example for our children. Some will dismiss these necessities until their daughter turns into a teenager and starts to do worse than what their mother or father used to do and by then you will not be able to do a thing as how can you show her otherwise when you have never interacted with something different.

Something needs to change and something needs to change fast. We need to rethink who we are beyond wanting to be made to feel good, to be gratified because one day when your gratification does not come and the world of depression has set in and you are desperate for that sexual high knowing very well that you have tried 'everything' there is and are not getting satisfied, you may just be the person spoken about next. The change begins with us as we invest for our children, our nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters or friends. If not, we'll keep being in a hurry, leaving the umbrella in its usual corner as we run out laughing at the dark cloud above us and cursing when the rain beats us again, and again and again. Kill the slow fade. 

It starts with us.

A letter to both boys and men

          I often hear the glory of a boy is found in his metamorphosis into a man. I tend to believe this is true. I remember the days when all we wanted was to look the hardest, spit the best game; basically, womanise the most. The awards for the best boys were in categories such as the best drinker, the best manipulator, the most sex had, the best fighter and a lot more. If you were seen to have dominion in those fields, you were called 'the man.'

     Growing up knowing that those are the characters that 'the man' is made of, many boys strive to achieve this version of manhood. Would it be safe to say then that manhood is what you make it? I doubt it. If the opening statement of this piece is anything to go by, it seems that there is a glory gained when one finally becomes a man. From my short time on this planet, I have learnt that nothing reaches glorification without going through personal sacrifice in order to rid themselves of something, so as to gain something greater in return.

     I was called a man way before I was one. Many boys have been adorned with the same words that I was: verbal jewels to people who have no knowledge of the worth they are adorned with. The day I realized it was all a lie is when I was faced with the truth that I did not know who I really was. Circumstances such as failed relationships taught me that I had no capacity to either lead or to sacrifice for a greater cause.

     My family relationships were strained as I always believed that I was a man and needed nobody to teach me anything. I fought with my father, brothers and the men God put in my life to raise me. I thought them, and not I, were the problem and so I would do things my own way, anything to justify that I was a man. Well, news flash, a man does not need to justify his manhood, it is seen by all and sundry. I needed to change.

     The first step was to take responsibility and apologize to my mother and father and tell them I need them to keep raising me. It was difficult and painful but the blessing of healing has to come as a result of the curse of pain. My heart bleeds when I watch people gain identity from the same vices I did, from poison. Where are the real men hiding? What are we doing to show the true picture of what it means to be a man?  How many have passed through the sieves of life that have released the boys in us and left the men within to proceed forth? It is no wonder that many women are taking up 'manly' roles because the metamorphosis from boyhood to manhood has been cut off by pride and a fear of getting hurt. All this time we spend running from manhood, the world continues to revolve. It will not wait for men to appear.

     Manhood is deeper than money, chest hairs, a deep voice and any other myopic descriptions that have caged its expression. A man is meant to be a visionary who sees far beyond anybody else, a discerner who carries the authority of God on earth. Now before this is termed egotistic, look at the case of Adam in the Bible. He was to have dominion over all things, not by his own understanding but by the virtue of having the mind of God; being made in the image and likeness of God. After he had slept and his rib was taken to make Eve, he awoke, looked at her and discerned that she came from him. Can we say the same of ourselves as men in today's world? What are we able to discern? Who are we able to lead?

     The world we live in today has taught us that men are known more for running away from responsibility than taking responsibility. Our music depicts this, movies depict this and the worst part is that our own lives depict this. Let me let you in on a well known secret. Women are climbing the ladder of life as men are comfortable asking what a ladder is. Our sons are not being fathered, our brothers do not see role models in us and we have ourselves to blame for the appalling state of manhood in the world today. We who have morphed into men have failed! We have boys in their 30s who still think life is about winning the boy awards. They believe a man has to have many women in his life and lead none. They believe that their penis is their greatest gift and the ultimate definition of manhood forgetting that even baby boys are born with those 'tools.' If they understood this truth they would understand that manhood is not defined by erections, lust, and monetary value but there is a roaring spirit trapped in a male that is being suffocated and should be released.

     We are worth more than we think we are. Boys, if nobody ever told you, let me tell you now. You were created for so much more. We are to be great fathers and husbands, leaders, protectors and vision bearers of our homes and communities. If your own father figures failed you I am sorry but please do not give up on being a better man. We need you. We need your strength, leadership and vision. We need the homes of the future to be led by you. We cannot keep throwing destiny in the trash bin. We cannot keep hurting the women in our lives, impregnating and leaving them. It is not right to hurt others, we have been lied to.

      We need to rise. It does not matter where you have been; the sewer is not your home. You may or may not have been taught what it means to be a man but we will do better to show you. We are sorry for guiding you in the wrong paths. For our lifestyles portraying women as tools to use, for telling you that you are only as good as how much you earn. You are worth much more. Let us rise from this pain that we have gone through as boys who have never known manhood and have had to learn on the job. We have been judged for not being men yet many have never interacted with what that means. It is time to learn and live in accordance to what we were created for. Men, it starts with us. We have to pull our brothers, sons and nephews from the pit of self destruction. The work starts now!

A look through the lens

     Greetings. Seeing as this is the first post off this new blog, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read this. I have not written anything other than music and poetry for a while now but over time an insatiable hunger to write and speak out has been gnawing at the walls of my belly and it now seems quite apparent that something wants to come out. 

     Recently, we had Kenyans on twitter putting MPs in their place about their contentious bonus issue. I applaud all those who let the strength of their voices echo through social media and into the ears of the masses. As I was scrolling through the tweets, I could tell that there was a genuine sense of distress from the citizens of this great republic. I could almost see those incensed marching even before they did. I knew a shaking was on the rise. 

     All this time a question was raging from within me: who is the enemy we as a country are fighting? The strange thing is I thought I had always known this answer. I was cemented in the belief that it was the police, the corporate world, MPs, etc.  It had to be. The impunity in our institutions as devolved from the seat of power was a rot in our once healthy bones and decay in the marrow of our nation. As a result, someone has to take the blame. From my myopic viewpoint, I thought that individuals and systems were the problem. The people in power had misused us for so long that it simply had to be power that was the poison. If this theory I had (and that most of us have) is to be held as true, we are then robbed of every ounce of hope as power is a constant even in a world lacking politicians. 

     So what is the problem? Well, if you may allow me to chisel out the truth, I shall do my best. We are all born fallible. In the journey of life, we pick up individual traits that are selfish, defiant, malicious, and just to call a spade a spade; sinful. We believe that the fight is everywhere else apart from within us. Recalling a conversation I had a year ago, I engaged a young man visiting Kenya with the question ‘what is your reason to wake up every morning?’ He told me that he lives to ensure everything in the world becomes better. As noble as this sounded, it had a problem. I replied to his answer with another question: ‘so if everything in the world becomes amazing, you will no longer have a reason to wake up?’ It seemed that if everything in the world was better, everything in him would be as well. Who would have vanquished our internal struggles? Slightly puzzled but considerably excited, my friend immediately understood that truly there had to be something deeper than what is without us. Using this as a reference point, I shall cease my digression and return to the matter at hand. 

     The biggest problem we face as a people is our self. The biggest giant facing us as a people is indeed our character. The politicians are not to blame due to their position as the biggest hindrance in leadership is a character problem and not a positional problem. The fastest way to rectify this is to take responsibility as an individual. We will never be able to move forward as a people if individually we are tolerating stagnation and a scapegoat culture in our lives. We need to cut off all the traits within us that bring our country to shame. It starts with us. Corruption, tribalism, impunity and any other ailment to our nation are not just in the people visibly doing the action, but in the mind that secretly condones the act. Each one of us has to turn the pitchforks to our character flaws so that by the time we are turning them on others, we may have the capacity to be an example to our leaders. 

     So my friends, both new and old, I beseech you, let us stop flaunting our skin as if it is flawless knowing very well that our bones and marrow are rotting. If we want good leadership, we must start in our homes, our friendships and all the other ‘little things’ that we overlook. We simply must. Finally, I know both the problem and the solution. I have not been a good man but I have to become a better man, for the sake of my generation. What will you choose to do? It all begins with us.